24 Year old MTF. Hormones since 16. SRS at 21. Come read about my messed up life

[Red 3]

It started out like many others; I was aroused by the idea of being feminine. It began when I would shave my body, paint my nails, and I would be full-on-erection turned on. I grew up feeling the bitter truth of having nothing worthwhile to showcase, and I didn't have a lot to look forward to in my life, but this alter-ego, this "feminine identity" if you will, felt like I was in control of my own little world that all else were oblivious to. For a few years, age 10 to 16, that's how it remained. I was cross-dressing, I kept my hair really long but only showcased feminine hairstyles in my own secrecy. Everything was a huge secret, until my secret didn't give me the degree of stimulation that it did before, and I needed to take it a step further.

I fell hard and fast into the trans community. Being so ingrained in a community with such insane ideas, and limiting your interaction to such a community, the line between normal and insane becomes incredibly blurred, and in those communities, if we're honest, there's no chair for common sense and feelings and fetishes take precedence over everything else. It wasn't long until I went on hormones and I became fascinated with the changes I was seeing. Looking like a woman was a purely sexually driven desire for me. It just turned me on so much to be a woman. It seemed like my entire sexuality was predicated on being a woman. I stayed on hormones for about three years until I seriously started thinking about SRS. I only heard about the good stories and I would only come to learn that those good stories have untold qualifications to them and the bad stories have committed suicide.

After being on hormones for so long, my thinking had changed dramatically, not just in terms of becoming more feminine in my speech, behaviour, actions and so on but I almost felt like a zombie from being deprived of testosterone which my body was built to thrive on. It's difficult to say if I could ever think truly rationally about SRS. I could barely hold down a job or function like a normal adult and after school I just hopped from part time job to part time job, getting fired from most. Like many, I convinced myself that all my problems came down to not getting SRS, and that if I got SRS, all my problems would alleviate. I thought it was the silver bullet, the white horse; the final act that would cure all of my problems and make me feel like "this is enough". 

I pulled the trigger and got SRS at 21. I was already having second thoughts right as we were waiting for the anaesthesiologist. But it was too late. Everyone around me was hopeful for me. The doctor, the nurses, all of them were wishing me a successful operation and telling me to calm down. I convinced myself that my second thoughts were out of anxiety, and that really SRS is what I needed and wanted. I remember waking up feeling immense pain; pain unlike I've ever felt before. I was quickly drugged and it did help with the pain but the pain came back, severe and in waves. I remember looking down at my neovagina when I was back home and I felt dread from the bottom of my heart; dread that I ruined my opportunity to ever go back to living as a male, dread about dilating, dread about having this weird artificial hole that looks nothing like a vagina, has none of the nerve endings of the vagina, or the anatomical construction.I laugh when people tell me they have "rough" sex with their neovagina. I can't imagine anything but the simplest of penetration, lest severe, preferable-to-die pain is caused. Even from an aesthetic viewpoint, it looks nothing like a vagina. It has to be one of the worst feelings in the world, knowing that I was so drunk on the transgender ideology that I mutilated my whole body and resemble a freak to the outside society. The only people I could date are fetishists who probably think of me as lower than scum when they're not horny. What a terrible existence. I'm just taking it one day at a time, but I will most likely be part of the 40%. Anyway, I would appreciate any welcomes to this forum. Thank you for reading. 

[Synthetic 6]

Really sad story.

Are you de-transitioning?

[Red 3]

11 minutes ago, Synthetic said:

Really sad story.

Are you de-transitioning?

Not currently, but I'm researching it and considering it greatly. I'm just afraid of how my body will react. I've had female-like testosterone levels for 8 years. It's a long time.

[dopefish 0]

Jesus mate. Have you talked to friends and family about regrets? 

[M E G 1]

You’re not alone, there is support, you can learn to live with this. You can make a difference.

You are important, you are loved. Don’t put out your light. You deserve so much more.

Look for resources and lean on those in your shoes or willing to support you. There is no shame in being swept up into it like you were- you were very young.

Check r/detrans for quicker support, and as always- I am here. I care about you and want you here because you deserve to live a happy life.

[AWanderingAngel 0]

You could always get surgery to close/stabilize the SRS. From there you can live a relatively normal life, just without a penis. Which some people already deal with (micropenis, accidents, nerve issues, etc) without much issue. Yeah it sucks, but nearly all of these people still have loving and deep relationship with someone.

And if all else fails, why not just travel the world? Do something that isn't focused on sex. Join a Buddhist monastery for a while, find the meaning to life. Sex is just a small part of the life experience, some (most?) people just wildly inflate it's importance.

[Red 3]

8 hours ago, dopefish said:

Jesus mate. Have you talked to friends and family about regrets? 

My dad knows. I have a mother, she is alive, but she left my dad shortly after my birth and I've only known my dad for my whole life. He discouraged my transition, I ran away, did the "independent powerful trans" thing for years, and when I was finally deformed and unable to fend for myself, I went back to him and currently live with him. He is an elderly and has health issues. I'm his primary carer. I'm so glad he accepted me back. I feel horrible because I think me transitioning intensified his health issues and he felt powerless to stop it. A counselor had told him that it's against the law and discrimination to discourage me from detransitioning. At the time, I thought she was right, and I hated my dad. Now, I realize he was right all along. I don't work and rarely leave the house. Unsurprisingly, I don't have many (if any?) friends. There's really nobody I talk to outside of my dad and internet strangers. That's it. 

6 hours ago, M E G said:

You’re not alone, there is support, you can learn to live with this. You can make a difference.

You are important, you are loved. Don’t put out your light. You deserve so much more.

Look for resources and lean on those in your shoes or willing to support you. There is no shame in being swept up into it like you were- you were very young.

Check r/detrans for quicker support, and as always- I am here. I care about you and want you here because you deserve to live a happy life.

Thank you so much.

I don't really like reddit. I get a lot of hate there, like "it was all your fault", which I ALREADY KNOW, but I just want advice on how to move forward, not to be told again and again that I did this to myself. I also don't think it's appropriate to relinquish the influence of the trans community on my transition. Had I been born 20 years earlier, it's unlikely I would've transitioned. Very unlikely, if not impossible

1 hour ago, AWanderingAngel said:

You could always get surgery to close/stabilize the SRS. From there you can live a relatively normal life, just without a penis. Which some people already deal with (micropenis, accidents, nerve issues, etc) without much issue. Yeah it sucks, but nearly all of these people still have loving and deep relationship with someone.

And if all else fails, why not just travel the world? Do something that isn't focused on sex. Join a Buddhist monastery for a while, find the meaning to life. Sex is just a small part of the life experience, some (most?) people just wildly inflate it's importance.

I thank you for that input, even though I disagree with some parts.

I don't think sex is a small part of life. Procreation is the whole reason why we're here. It's a huge part of life and a part of any healthy relationship. When the sex goes down, the marriage usually goes down too. This pattern is undeniable. 

Also I'm not financially capable enough to just travel the world. There's no young person around my age who would want anything long term with someone who has a deformed body, when attractive, more mentally stable people are elsewhere and everywhere. Even if I regain my mental stability, I'm still broken. People want children and people don't want a burden. And I fully respect that and have come to terms with that. I've tried to date a lot. Trust me, I know. I'm aware.

Unfortunately I'm not interested in suppressing a natural human desire and a biological pull to procreate. I will just have to learn to cope with being alone and unwanted. I have been dealing with it for a long time and it does get easier with time thankfully.

I don't mean to start some fight with you. I really appreciate your input and what you said. After all when I made this thread I was ready for anything to be said in response. We will just have to learn to agree to disagree. Do you have any idea what would happen to my neo-vagina if I was testosterone dominant again? Would it change structurally? Would it hurt? 

[chrissie 7]

Hang in there. There are thousands of stories like yours, past, present and future. You sound v articulate. I hopeyou can find your passion and go after that.

[M E G 1]

Don’t know how to quote, love! But this sub is absolutely not like that. It is specifically for people that range from supportive trans to currently detransing to detransed and detrans supporters.

They have flare when you want to request detrans only replies.

I do know what you’re talking about though because I have joined a few subs related to this topic, and check on the pro trans reddit community. The pro trans reddit community is very toxic towards individuals struggling with anything related to questioning any part of being trans after you’ve identified as one.

From r/detrans I have also heard from a lot of individuals that have had ties severed IRL with trans friends because of it too.

I really recommend going to just there and reading everything so far first. You won’t be put down, looked down on, or told you did it to yourself. If you feel comfortable enough after reading then start sharing.

They could really use your voice in this, and everyone there would love to have you and talk with you ❤️

Regardless, I wish you strength on your worst days and your lowest points. And I hope you stick around for a long time.

[Line 5]

I am sorry about your experience, but I had SRS years ago (over 10 years ago) with a US surgeon and I have not spent one single second of my life regretting it. It completely cured my genital dysphoria. I am androphilic whereas you are autogynephile. I have never felt turned on by dressing or presenting as a male. I tried to repress my dysphoria for years and it never worked. So, I am very happy that I had SRS. My neovagina gives me amazing orgasms and it also looks very realistic (I am not stupid and I have studied human anatomy so I know what a vagina looks like). I did not go to Thailand where results are horrible, contrary to popular belief. 

You are right that people consider us scum. Totally right. However, what was the alternative for me? I prefer having a "hole" that gives me orgasms, looks like a vagina as opposed to having a penis and nutsack and engage in gay sex. 

People always blame SRS. For me, SRS was the easiest and least painful experience in my transition. The most painful experiences is seeing how people hate us for simply existing. Never, ever, ever have I spent one single moment of my life missing my penis. 

[Red 3]

31 minutes ago, Line said:

I am sorry about your experience, but I had SRS years ago (over 10 years ago) with a US surgeon and I have not spent one single second of my life regretting it. It completely cured my genital dysphoria. I am androphilic whereas you are autogynephile. I have never felt turned on by dressing or presenting as a male. I tried to repress my dysphoria for years and it never worked. So, I am very happy that I had SRS. My neovagina gives me amazing orgasms and it also looks very realistic (I am not stupid and I have studied human anatomy so I know what a vagina looks like). I did not go to Thailand where results are horrible, contrary to popular belief. 

You are right that people consider us scum. Totally right. However, what was the alternative for me? I prefer having a "hole" that gives me orgasms, looks like a vagina as opposed to having a penis and nutsack and engage in gay sex. 

People always blame SRS. For me, SRS was the easiest and least painful experience in my transition. The most painful experiences is seeing how people hate us for simply existing. Never, ever, ever have I spent one single moment of my life missing my penis. 

Thank you for your perspective.

I guess we are similar, while I'm dissatisfied and you're satisfied, we're still on the same boat. How do you find dating? What do your parents think of your transition? Can I ask for your age? Thanks for not being afraid to share your opinion. It's not good to be one-sided, I agree, both sides are important to tell.

[Line 5]

1 hour ago, Red said:

Thank you for your perspective.

I guess we are similar, while I'm dissatisfied and you're satisfied, we're still on the same boat. How do you find dating? What do your parents think of your transition? Can I ask for your age? Thanks for not being afraid to share your opinion. It's not good to be one-sided, I agree, both sides are important to tell.

Thank you. No matter what, I wish you the best. I am not trying to demean you or anything, but I swear to God SRS is the best surgery I have ever had. FFS was not as effective, though. I have said this many times, but reconstructing a realistic vagina from soft tissues is much easier than making a female face from a manly skull. I personally know other trans women whose SRS was executed perfectly but they do not pass and they are devastated. If they were to kill themselves (and they want to), people would blame SRS when the real reason why they are so distraught is because they do not pass and society is merciless. Now, then there are trans who look like gorillas with a wig but they are so delusional that they think they pass. So, I agree with you that our community is plagued with insane and delusional people. You know they say "ignorance is bliss"? That is particularly relevant here. 

I am in my early thirties. Dating sucks, but not because of my neo-vagina. You can have the most beautiful vagina but once a man knows you were born a man, it's over. However, for me it's still better than dating filthy chasers who pretend to be str8 but want penis. 

I have had plenty of flings with no strings attached and have enjoyed sex a lot. I have had well-endowed guys too. Love, is a different story. Trans women are unlovable. 

[Red 3]

8 minutes ago, Line said:

Thank you. No matter what, I wish you the best. I am not trying to demean you or anything, but I swear to God SRS is the best surgery I have ever had. FFS was not as effective, though. I have said this many times, but reconstructing a realistic vagina from soft tissues is much easier than making a female face from a manly skull. I personally know other trans women whose SRS was executed perfectly but they do not pass and they are devastated. If they were to kill themselves (and they want to), people would blame SRS when the real reason why they are so distraught is because they do not pass and society is merciless. Now, then there are trans who look like gorillas with a wig but they are so delusional that they think they pass. So, I agree with you that our community is plagued with insane and delusional people. You know they say "ignorance is bliss"? That is particularly relevant here. 

I am in my early thirties. Dating sucks, but not because of my neo-vagina. You can have the most beautiful vagina but once a man knows you were born a man, it's over. However, for me it's still better than dating filthy chasers who pretend to be str8 but want penis. 

I have had plenty of flings with no strings attached and have enjoyed sex a lot. I have had well-endowed guys too. Love, is a different story. Trans women are unlovable. 

I agree with you.

I think there's something about the male eye shape that gives away a lot of trans people (but not all?), even if a guy has "big" feminine eyes, something about the stare is just a giveaway. I'm so jealous that you can engage in penetration though. It's way too painful for me. When you say well-endowed, what do you mean in inches? And do you have a lot of sensitivity? Mine is 50/50.

[Serena 2]

Hey there. Your thread was linked on another forum so I wanted to offer my two cents. I almost felt compelled to do that. First and foremost, I am very sorry that you are in pain and you regret the surgery. That type of surgery is not for everybody and that's okay. You are not less legit if you do not want to have that surgery. However, I had that surgery almost 5 years ago. It's going to be 5 years in 2 weeks. It was done in two stages and I am quite happy with the results. Funny because my surgeon wrote in the notes that I am compulsive and hard to please and I am a risky patient. Well, I am very happy with my srs. Had zero complications. The worst part I remember was peeing the first week. After that, no more problems. Am I happy with my SRS? Yes! Am I happy with my life? Fuck no. Being trans is the worst. Whoever tells you the opposite is lying. Cis people do not understand us. They think we are vain or we are doing this out of a whim. They can fake acceptance but they do not truly accept us. I do not get along with other trans women because most of them do drugs or we just have nothing in common, so, I keep it to myself. 

People feel entitled to disrespect you and ask intrusive questions they would not ask to any other customer. I have had retail stores employees disrespect me and ask me stupid, intrusive questions. Then, there is love (or lack thereof). I know a few trans women who are in their 60s and 70s who are still waiting for prince charming. So sad. It ain't gonna happen. Either pre-op or post-op. Makes no difference. 

In 2013, one year before the surgery, I was so depressed and despaired that I couldn't get up from the bed. I am surprised I didn't kill myself. My depression was not about genitals, was about me wanting to escape my transness, wanting to live like a normal being and not like a freak. The despair was very very deep. 

Some of that despair remained and I have consulted a few medical professionals. This is the most fucked up thing. When I tell them I am depressed their first question is: "Do you regret cutting off your dick?" (and they make a scissor gesture with their fingers). Yes, yes, you read it right. I have had MDs use those terms. At that point, I become angry, enraged because my problems have absolutely nothing to do with my genitals. Why is it so hard for people to get it? Why? Can you please explain it to me? I got harassed months ago and I am still grieving over that. I filed a police report. I got into a physical fight where both the other person and I ended up in the ER (I got the upper hand, luckily) and everybody seems so focused on my genitals that they just wanna hear I regret when I don't. 

I work as a chef and transition has affected my careers too. I have amazing qualifications and I receive phone calls or emails from employers and once they see me, you can just tell they don't want me in the kitchen. I overheard one saying once "are you kidding? A tranny in the kitchen? Yuck"

So, tell me how I can be happy. And I could go on and on and on and on. Living as a trans woman is way worse than what reddit depicts. 

 

My life has been a complete mess but the only good thing are my pets and SRS. Have not shed a tear over srs. However, I do shed tears on not being passable, hrt being ineffective (despite starting very young) and other stuff. There are too many urban myths and lies and reddit is a hugbox. 

[Line 5]

12 minutes ago, Red said:

I agree with you.

I think there's something about the male eye shape that gives away a lot of trans people (but not all?), even if a guy has "big" feminine eyes, something about the stare is just a giveaway. I'm so jealous that you can engage in penetration though. It's way too painful for me. When you say well-endowed, what do you mean in inches? And do you have a lot of sensitivity? Mine is 50/50.

I don't think it's the eyes only it's the whole package, the whole picture. Yes, the eyes play a very important part but it's not the eyes only. We can look great in carefully staged pics, but in real life that's a completely different story. For me, not being able to pass 100%is the worst thing (and mind you that I still look better than most trans women and still get hit on a lot but if you pay attention, you can see my past in my face and once you see it, you can't unsee it)

 

Back to SRS, who was your surgeon? If you can't name them, give me hints. 

I have not measured their dicks, but they were big some huge. All I had to do was use extra lube but I could get penetration just fine. I am 100% sensitive and 100% orgasmic but I reach my orgasms from my clit. 

[Line 5]

Like big as in bigger than my biggest dilator 

[Red 3]

40 minutes ago, Serena said:

Hey there. Your thread was linked on another forum so I wanted to offer my two cents. I almost felt compelled to do that. First and foremost, I am very sorry that you are in pain and you regret the surgery. That type of surgery is not for everybody and that's okay. You are not less legit if you do not want to have that surgery. However, I had that surgery almost 5 years ago. It's going to be 5 years in 2 weeks. It was done in two stages and I am quite happy with the results. Funny because my surgeon wrote in the notes that I am compulsive and hard to please and I am a risky patient. Well, I am very happy with my srs. Had zero complications. The worst part I remember was peeing the first week. After that, no more problems. Am I happy with my SRS? Yes! Am I happy with my life? Fuck no. Being trans is the worst. Whoever tells you the opposite is lying. Cis people do not understand us. They think we are vain or we are doing this out of a whim. They can fake acceptance but they do not truly accept us. I do not get along with other trans women because most of them do drugs or we just have nothing in common, so, I keep it to myself. 

People feel entitled to disrespect you and ask intrusive questions they would not ask to any other customer. I have had retail stores employees disrespect me and ask me stupid, intrusive questions. Then, there is love (or lack thereof). I know a few trans women who are in their 60s and 70s who are still waiting for prince charming. So sad. It ain't gonna happen. Either pre-op or post-op. Makes no difference. 

In 2013, one year before the surgery, I was so depressed and despaired that I couldn't get up from the bed. I am surprised I didn't kill myself. My depression was not about genitals, was about me wanting to escape my transness, wanting to live like a normal being and not like a freak. The despair was very very deep. 

Some of that despair remained and I have consulted a few medical professionals. This is the most fucked up thing. When I tell them I am depressed their first question is: "Do you regret cutting off your dick?" (and they make a scissor gesture with their fingers). Yes, yes, you read it right. I have had MDs use those terms. At that point, I become angry, enraged because my problems have absolutely nothing to do with my genitals. Why is it so hard for people to get it? Why? Can you please explain it to me? I got harassed months ago and I am still grieving over that. I filed a police report. I got into a physical fight where both the other person and I ended up in the ER (I got the upper hand, luckily) and everybody seems so focused on my genitals that they just wanna hear I regret when I don't. 

I work as a chef and transition has affected my careers too. I have amazing qualifications and I receive phone calls or emails from employers and once they see me, you can just tell they don't want me in the kitchen. I overheard one saying once "are you kidding? A tranny in the kitchen? Yuck"

So, tell me how I can be happy. And I could go on and on and on and on. Living as a trans woman is way worse than what reddit depicts. 

 

My life has been a complete mess but the only good thing are my pets and SRS. Have not shed a tear over srs. However, I do shed tears on not being passable, hrt being ineffective (despite starting very young) and other stuff. There are too many urban myths and lies and reddit is a hugbox. 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I received similar abuse to you when I did work, and when I did put myself out there. So I decided to become a recluse and avoid it all. If I didn't have my father that wouldn't be possible (I would be homeless). It's so hard. You can't win. Even a trip to the grocery store and there's always that one fucker who stares so strongly, like he knows what's up and he's not afraid to express his outward disgust. I feel a bit more acceptance from women than men, but it's not a world of acceptance or anything. It's just that some could find me bearable. Then there are the women who hate me for whatever reason, like they think of me as a prick who over-glamorized the female existence so much. "Oh he thought women have no problems so he wanted to become a woman". In reality, the reasons are so so so different. Then there's the people, men and women, that you can't just figure out. They're just cold towards you. They don't talk much to you, they try their best to avoid and not be seen with you, they try to shorten conversations as much as possible, they exude that fake laugh after every sentence you say, as though your entire existence is an irrelevant joke that they're desperately trying to forget about. I was just sick and tired of being considered a trash ant that had no valid rights, views, emotions or needs. It really gets to you after a while. I just couldn't work anymore. 

33 minutes ago, Line said:

I don't think it's the eyes only it's the whole package, the whole picture. Yes, the eyes play a very important part but it's not the eyes only. We can look great in carefully staged pics, but in real life that's a completely different story. For me, not being able to pass 100%is the worst thing (and mind you that I still look better than most trans women and still get hit on a lot but if you pay attention, you can see my past in my face and once you see it, you can't unsee it)

 

Back to SRS, who was your surgeon? If you can't name them, give me hints. 

I have not measured their dicks, but they were big some huge. All I had to do was use extra lube but I could get penetration just fine. I am 100% sensitive and 100% orgasmic but I reach my orgasms from my clit. 

Good insight. I won't name him but somewhere in London. I really feel he was unethical towards to me so I want to express my options before I go slandering his name online.

It's interesting that I'm so affected by pain. I had a pretty big penis before getting it cut off (I have pics if you're curious). When I used viagra and its full size was revealed, it caused people to have shock reactions. I was under the impression that large penis = successful SRS with less pain because of the greater depth/width created. Clearly didn't affect my outcome, or maybe it did and things would be much worse otherwise. I just don't know.

I'm so glad we have this little community that I randomly came  across. I hope it does get more members. I am just sick of reddit, to put it lightly. 
 

[Eia 8]

Very sad story. I hope you will be ok.
You can message me any time.

Sending lots of love.

[Serena 2]

I find it very hard to believe that a legit trans would say:  had a pretty big penis before getting it cut off (I have pics if you're curious). When I used viagra and its full size was revealed, it caused people to have shock reactions. 

[Eia 8]

4 minutes ago, Serena said:

I find it very hard to believe that a legit trans would say:  had a pretty big penis before getting it cut off (I have pics if you're curious). When I used viagra and its full size was revealed, it caused people to have shock reactions. 

Hes not real trans. Just someone with a fetish who though he was trans and got the surgeries.

Imho that's just what I think. It's very different to "gender dysphoria" that most(?) trans feel.

[Silence 6]

Honestly I suffered from dysphoria and that's what drove me to transition, it didn't "turn me on". That said, I still eventually de-transitioned. Transition didn't solve any of my problems. 

[Silence 6]

@Red can i ask if you do consider yourself to be passing? 

[Serena 2]

He is larping for sure. Or she is larping, seems to me it's a terf. Real gender dysphoria is different from autogynephilia. Let's not confuse the two, please. 

[Eia 8]

11 minutes ago, Serena said:

He is larping for sure. Or she is larping, seems to me it's a terf. Real gender dysphoria is different from autogynephilia. Let's not confuse the two, please. 

He could be larping i think.

But tere have been some people with agp who got on hormones and had srs. It's not rare/unheard of.